You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
