is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED