Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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