I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..