im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol