Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.