My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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