During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
