i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
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The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
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She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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