hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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