Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
