So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
