The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
