If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
