I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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