Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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