Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
