Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I will pee on everything he values.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
