Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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