I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
