I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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