i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
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Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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