Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
