At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
