i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
