Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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