found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
