yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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