Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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