i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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