Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
