the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
