Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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