Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
