well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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