He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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