Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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