He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
