Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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