im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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