Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
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I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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