Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
