This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
