My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
