I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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