Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
