is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize
