I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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