Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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