Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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