I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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