Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
