mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
