There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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