That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
