Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
