I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
