Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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