remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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